So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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