my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
