I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
