i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
