She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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