I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
