I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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