birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
