thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
