More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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