The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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