I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
