We won't sleep together?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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