I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
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So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
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We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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