Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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