I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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