ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
