I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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