apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
