My liver just broke up with me...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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