Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
