Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The Olympian is in my bed
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
