Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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