My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
