I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
