I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
