I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
