I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
