Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Your penis caused this!
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