i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
