I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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