im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
