God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
