She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
well you can't waste a boner
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
