I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
this will be a night to untag.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
