it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
