True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
