I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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