i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
