i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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