i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
