some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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