Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
