i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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