Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
