I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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