Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
