Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
