Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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