I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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