I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
