DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
