If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
