My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
