why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
no, he came in my armpit
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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